Captain Spandex - to the rescue!

Have you ever noticed those guys and gals (although it's mostly guys) who ride bikes and have all the latest and greatest equipment the world has to offer?  You know the ones I'm talking about.  The crowd my husband and I refer to as "the spandex wienies."  The ones that have the $300.00 skin-tight, brightly-colored spandex outfits and the $200.00 shoes and the $4,000.00 bicycles.  Oh and don't forget the helmets that cost no less than $180.00 and the water bottles that are $30.00 and Ray Ban Sunglasses that were $150.00 (on sale) and the list goes on and on and on.  The ones with the attitude that speaks VOLUMES about who they are with a mere sentence or two.  "ON YOUR LEFT" they shout as they go whizzing by you on the bike path.   Yes I know they are trying to let me know they are there, for safety.  I have a little bell that I tap once or twice to do that very thing when I come upon someone walking or riding in front of me.  A little bell is far less abrasive and does the job just as well.  Granted it doesn't call attention to me and all my "stuff" as much but I'm honestly concerned about safety, not strutting my stuff. 

What I want to know is this.  Do they get more exercise by spending that much money?  Do they ride faster because of their equipment?  Is it more fun?  Do they feel superior?  What's the big draw here? Is their self-esteem so low that they have to try to make up for it with all this expensive stuff?  Do their egos need that boost?  Are their dicks that tiny?  I just don't get it.   I'm thinking a few hours at the office of a therapist would be a helluva lot cheaper for them.

I would like to go on record here and now and tell each and every one of them that I am NOT, I REPEAT, NOT at all impressed, in awe, intimidated, spellbound, jealous, fascinated or dazzled by them and their ass-load of asinine accessories.  The truth of the matter is, we actually laugh and mock and make fun of these idiots and their entourages.  We can barely hold in our laughter and keep from mocking them within earshot.  Not because we want to be mean necessarily.  Just because it's so damned funny.  We get just as much exercise on our economy bikes.  We are just as comfortable in our shorts and t-shirts, with our 30.00 helmets protecting our brains just as much.  Our sunglasses shade our eyes just as much and our water is just as cold and refreshing.  Oh and we have the added enjoyment of making fun of the spandex wienies.   And really, honestly, dude, if you want to spend your money on those things, I really couldn't give a rat's ass, but do not for one  minute, think it makes you better than me in any way, shape or form.  You may have more money than me, good for you, but there are truly some things money can't buy.  Self-respect, self-esteem, and good manners for starters. 

Now granted, there are some things that are worth spending the money on.  A decent bicycle of course being paramount.  But, let me go on record right here saying you don't have to spend THOUSANDS of dollars to get a good bicycle.  Good bikes can be had for $300.00 to $600.00, maybe less.  And, if you're lucky enough to have someone who knows their bikes, you may even score a yard-sale bike for less than $100.00.  And trust me, when it comes to putting a bike to the test, I'm as hard as anyone else on my bike.  First, it has to hold my arse when I'm riding, no easy feat to be sure.  Then it has to be able to withstand the test of time as I put hundreds of miles on it yearly.  And as if that isn't bad enough, I'm fortunate enough to live in a climate where we can ride almost year-round so my bike is subject to hot, cold, dry & wet.  And last, but not least, the best part is that we have these lovely little thorny things known as goat heads which serve no other purpose except to puncture bike tires.  Specifically, MY bike tires.  The little fuckers are EVERYWHERE around here.  And you wouldn't think something the size of very small tack and made from organic matter, not metal or even plastic, could do so much damage.  Think again.  Those little cocksuckers can work their way into the rubber of your tire just far enough to gently, and ever so subtly, prick the inner tube.  Then when you put any amount of weight on it in the course of riding, it drives it in further and bam, you're pulling into a front row parking spot in "flat city." 

Oh and one more thing, Captain Spandex, when you come whizzing past me, pumping your legs for all your worth, again, I'm not impressed or intimidated.  You go buddy, have at it, go with God.  I may not ride as fast or as far but I can guarndamntee you that I have as much or more fun than you ever will.  You see, I have something you don't have.  I have the appreciation of being able to do it.  I have the advantage of know how it feels to sit on the sidelines and watch others and not be able to participate or at least not think I could.  There's no better motivation.  So in addition to being appreciative and enjoying it, I also am grateful that I can do it.   I daresay my gratitude is worth far more than all of your extravagant, upscale accessories.  Next time you wienies gotta whiz past me, shouting, "ON YOUR LEFT" don't be surprised if I graciously acknowledge your obnoxious presence with a single tap on my bell, ding.  (Take that ya filthy animal)

Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining

I'm a woman, as such, I don't know much about cars and the things that go on with them.  I like it that way, I don't want to know much more than I do about them.  I harken back for the good ole days when dealing with cars was one of those grubby tasks deemed "mens' work."  So whenever anything out of the ordinary goes on with my car, immediately my blood pressure rises and my mood intensifies and I get ready to bend over and take it up the rear.  I own a Honda, I love my Honda.  It runs good, it rarely gives me any sort of grief AND it has heated leather seats.  Oh hell yeah, nirvana.  But...whenever the Honda needs something, there's always a chance I'm going to have to sell a kidney on ebay to pay for it. 

Tires..........such a basic, simple thing, every car needs them, can't run without them.  So why in the ever living FUCK do they have to be so damn expensive?  And what is it with that whole bait and switch crap in ads about matching prices and tires on sale and buy 3 get one free, etc...

Now maybe it's just MY piss-poor luck, but I NEVER, let me repeat that, NEVER EVER, get what is advertised.  It's always something like, "Oh we're out of stock on that one but for just 20 dollars MORE, you can get THIS one we do have in stock."  (20 bucks times 4 tires equals 80 freaking dollars MORE)  Or there's always some reason why my car can't use the particular one advertised or, my personal favorite, "The advertised tire has been discontinued and they were just using up the ones in stock in the warehouse so now we only have THIS one here which is only another 15 dollars per tire," and on and on and on and on.  Even if it's 8 fucking AM on the FIRST day of the sale, the warehouse stock is depleted.  What, did they only have 4 of those in stock and the assistant manager pre-ordered them as soon as the sales flyer came out?  And while I'm standing there fuming, trying to decide if I would rather go to prison for beating the crap out the guy in front of me or for robbing a bank to pay for the aforementioned tires, Mr. Tire Guy offers me an option.  "You know you can just get 2 tires now and come back for the other 2 when we have our sale next month."  Really?  Can I really?  I don't know about anyone else, but I have always replaced all tires at once unless I had a bum tire that got mangled in some sort of accident/flat type of thing.  Because I do what they tell me and rotate my tires regularly (so they wear evenly) they all NEED to be replaced at the same time.  And then there's always the "extra" charges.  Like the disposal fee (5 bucks per tire) and cost to put them on and balance them (15 dollars per tire) so again, the tires you thought you were getting for 500 dollars are now 680 dollars.  It's really interesting to note that sometimes they advertise a "special sale" where you get FREE installation and disposal of your old tires - but then the tires themselves are not on sale. Whatever...

 

I apparently ooze stupidity when it comes to cars and tires and repairs, etc...  Again, I freely admit having little to no working knowledge, however, this ain't my first rodeo cowboy.  Do NOT try to sell me something as a good deal when it's clear that you are trying to "sell me a good deal."  I may not know about cars but I do know about people and I can smell a verbal blow job a mile away.  Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.  Nothing infuriates me more than having someone treat me like I'm dumber than a box of rocks.  I may be ignorant when it comes to some things but I'm not stupid and I sure as hell am not going to sit here and let you talk down to me because I have a zipper instead of a fly in my slacks. 

 

I could go on and on for pages, but I think one of my tires is low and I need to get some air put in it.   Or the latest was that I need nitrogen in my tires.  WTF?  My tires need nitrogen instead of air?  They were running on air just fine last week.  What's next, will my tires have a problem breathing and need pure oxygen?  Is my health insurance going to cover the durable medical equipment or am I going to have to pay out of pocket for it?  Will that count toward my deductible?  Fuck, it's all too confusing, I have a headache now. 

The Pumpkin Spice Life

And here it comes, the once a year unavoidable pumpkin spice crusade of mankind.  I blame Starbucks for staring this phenomena.   They started it when they created that chemical shit-storm in a cup known at the Pumpkin Spice Latte.  I'll freely admit I made the yearly pilgrimage to Starbucks on the day that Pumpkin Spice Latte showed up on the menu, every year, for several years, until I became educated as to what is actually IN that chemical concoction.  Once I read THAT list of chemical creativity gone to hell in a hand basket, I never put one of those things to my lips again.  Being rather fond of the taste of the Pumpkin Spice Latte, or the PSL as it's known in Starbuckland, I missed the fall tradition of having that yummy taste.  So I decided to google a recipe for my own homemade PSL and guess what, I actually found several such recipies, readily available.  I picked one that sounded easy and delicious enough and embarked on my very own latte-making experience.  I must admit it turned out to be rather good and quite a tasty treat.

That said, just because I like the occasional PSL in the fall that doesn't mean I want to have EVERYFUCKINGTHING in Pumpkin Spice flavor.  I mean you can even find Pumpkin Spice soda, for Christ's sweet sake.  Gross...  Every baked good known to mankind can, and mostly likely will, be made in a pumpkin spice flavor.  While that's not an entirely BAD thing...I just don't want it all to taste like Pumpkin.  And what crazy psycho thought up Pumpkin Spice Oreos?  Is NOTHING sacred people? 

And how far will they go?  How far will this madness expand into our culture?  I've already seen it jump from food to beauty products.  I can buy pumpkin spice lotion, hand sanitizer, bar soap, hand soap, candles, etc...  I'm waiting for pumpkin spice dog food to show up next because of course, Fido, wants his fall tradition as well, right?  Of course, the obvious most insane product would be a pumpkin spice scented tampon.  Yeah, I want my hooch to smell like pumpkin spice.  What am I gonna do, go to work beaming and declaring that my crotch smells like a latte?   And when am I going to see pumpkin spice gasoline at the pumps?  And will it be cheaper or more expensive?  Or God-forbid, will it make my car run better, or, will my car turn into a pumpkin at midnight?

I think the real issue here is not just pumpkin spice.  No, it's that people have forgotten, or may have never learned, that just because a little of something is good, doesn't always mean a lot is better.  Case in point...liver & onions.  Now I know most people won't even touch it with a 10-foot pole, I get that, it is somewhat of an acquired taste.  But, just because I like it once or twice a year, doesn't mean I would like it once or twice a week, or even a month.  And makeup, dear Lord, sweet Jesus, a little goes a long way.  Try telling THAT to the under-20-crowd.  And when did stamping your eyebrows on become a thing?  I mean, hey, it worked for Tim Curry in Rocky Horror Picture Show, but otherwise, not so much.  Plastic surgery is another one, have you SEEN the human Barbie Doll chick?   Again, it's that whole moderation thing. 

But back to the pumpkin spice conundrum.  I suppose, in retrospect, it's probably good for the pumpkin farmers.  And the maybe the dudes that grow the spices, and even the dairy farmers that provide the  milk and the coffee producers of the world and let us not forget, that almighty tabernacle on every street corner known as Starbucks.  So whether you like it or hate it, it's here for the season.  Tis the season to be jolly and watch the marketing madness that will barf up pumpkin spice everything.  I even saw pumpkin spice beer the other day.  I have no words...